Review: Spiders II - Breeding Ground
Director: Sam Firstenberg
Spiders II - Breeding Ground
Did you see SPIDERS ? No ? –Good on you!
That fact is (un)lucky for you that isn't relevant. There are some movies that are so bad you should think there is no point in ever getting a sequel because none will go along for the money milking... So one might ask oneself WHY-O-WHY for the love of **** ?!
The money wasted on this film should have been given to those genre filmmakers who have to do it with micro budgets. -Pitty
Spiders was a perfect example of what ‘genre’ movies that fucked up horror in the 90’s and the new millennium. It’s a horrible creature feature genre that mainly uses piss-awful CGI.
You know, the kind they so popularly used in Xena and such ? Monsters that look so 3D that they look hollow, static and ridiculously shiny. Monster who’s shadows won’t budge while they move nor will their lighting. (and if it does it’s completely off).
If you must know ‘plot’( if you call it that) that barely holds together this shameful string of clichés, rip-offs and just plane embracement, here goes ; a happy couple sails over the ocean and comes across a raided, burned ship. (The crispy corpse on board is the best effect you will get). A few moments later they get caught in a nasty storm and they are at drift. Luckily fir they, a big freighter passes by and picks them up ! Hooray, were it not that this ship is responsible for the woo done on the shipwreck. But of course the inevitable spider action is held off by a boring, poorly acted attempt at a psychological thriller. As the male portion of the adventurous couple discovers the dark arachnid secrets of the ship, the gets drugged and eventually becomes a host for one of the eight-legged contraptions. The way they pop out of your belly after some foamy oral action is more than…’borrowed’ from Alien. But when the lifeless baby spiders come out you really feel the shame the director must be feeling. And can we say 3d rate face hugger ?The incubator are even kept in cryo tubes !
As it turns out there is an evil doctor aboard who is raisin these mutant spiders in hopes of isolating a gene which could make us immune to diseases. Quite noble, were it no that he has a fridge full of corpses to feed his steroid pets.
After some more bad acting and attempted intrigue, the female portion of the couple finally clicks into action (she really likes to fight). As she goes into Ripley mode to save here husband she also goes for the flame thrower which reminds us of how SUPERIOR Aliens really was. But it doesn’t stop there, you also get the extreme body pierce thing which the queen did in Aliens, only this time the spiders do it, immersing yet repeatedly.
This movie is stuck together with elements of Virus (that’s a movie that should NOT be imitated because it was a poor brick-a-brick of clichés by itself), Aliens and in some desperate moments it reminded me of Night of the Lepus. Yet it is not nearly as good, or(good) bad as any of those films.
Spiders looked like a comedy. Spiders II looks like…a bad comedy. There are so many things that are wrong in this film that I can’t begin to sum them all up. For one thing, the spiders sound like thumping elephants…-That’s right, not even an attempt to distort the sound or anything. The spiders seem to have only five eyes instead of eight (I bet the kaleidoscope effect couldn’t be turned up a notch in the editing room ?). On top of that, they can also move one eye at the time ( in close-up looking awfully different from the eyes seen in long- shot) They manage to open heavy metal doors with just one paw, yet when you put a little metallic rack near the door their super powers are gone.
Aside from the awful spider mutants here are also the gaping continuity fuck ups. Day, night, or was it day, no it’s night again when she is talking. That same goes for the boat. The boat seems to be made only out of deck B. Seriously this is ridiculous. No matter how may times they go up or down an elevator they get on deck B ! (If they had actually used this in the plot it might have done some good, but no, they just think the viewers are retarded enough not to notice).
The ship is A) a model, B) a big ole rusty and C) the aforementioned deck B. This shows because the containers are above, bellow, nowhere, to many, or just in the wrong place for any of the three ‘ships’ to be real. The real (70’s ?)ship used for some scenes doesn’t even transport containers ! In fact I doubt any actual containers were used in this film.
O-yes and the mess is also full of lose furniture… that must be very handy during a storm !
Just stay away from this thing. Unless you suffer from severe insomnia, then I recommend the first hour. What a yaaaaaawwwwwnnnnn !
Reviewed by: LordLeviathan, added June 17 2006
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